Bar Jokes Driving While Intoxicated It seems the gentleman had over-imbibed at a party, was heading home, and was pulled over by a state trooper. Upon being tested, the fellow couldn't walk a straight line any more than he could drive one, so the trooper wrote out a ticket and had just given it to the driver before an accident in the opposite lane took his attention to more important matters. The inebriated driver, figuring that the trooper wasn't coming back to him, drove home and went to bed. he was awakened in the morning by a knock at the door, created by two more state troopers. "Are you Mr. smith?" the asked? He admitted that he was. "Where you pulled over at Allen's last night for driving under the influence?" Again, the man admitted that was he. "And what did you do then," the troopers asked." The man replied that he drove his car home and went to bed. "Where is your car now?" the troopers enquired. The man answered that it was in the garage. "May we see the car?" asked the troopers. The man answered, "Sure," and opened the garage. Inside was the state troopers car. A drunk is standing, pissing into a fountain in the middle of town, so a cop comes up to him and says "Stop that and put it away!" The drunk shoves his dick into his pants and does up his zip. As the cop turns to go, the drunk starts laughing. "Okay, what's so funny?" asks the cop. "Fooled you." says the drunk "I put it away, but I didn't stop." A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. He sips it and sets it down a monkey swings across the bar and pisses in the pint. The man asks the barman who owns the monkey. The barman replies the piano player. The man walks over to the piana player and says "Do you know your monkey pissed in my beer." The pianist replies "No, but if you hum it I'll play it." This man goes to a bar with his dog. The guy goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!" the guy doesn't miss a beat..."This is my seeing-eye dog." "Oh man, " the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door. Another guy walks in the bar with a Chiwaua (sp?). The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog." The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!" The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog." The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chiwauas as seeing-eye dogs." The man pauses for a half-second and replies "WHAT?!?! They gave me a F'ing Chiwaua?!?" A guy is tending bar at a sophisticated NY party when two nose-in-the-air women approach. "So, where y'all from?" he asks. "We are from," one of them answers, "somewhere where people don't end their sentences with prepositions." "Oh," says the bartender. "So, where y'all from, bitch?" Two drunks were trying to figure out how to get some alcohol for free. They only had a dollar in change between them. "I've got it, follow me." said the first man. They went to a hot dog stand and bought a dog and threw away the bun. "We'll go into a bar and order drinks, and when the bartender asks for money, I'll unzip my fly and pull out the hot dog. You drop to your knees and pretend to suck me off." The second man agrees to this and they start thier rounds. When they get to the bar, they sit down and have a beer. The bartender tells them, "That will be 3 dollars." The first man stands up and upzips his fly. The second man drops to his knees and starts sucking on the hot-dog. "You faggots!", screams the bartender. "Get the hell out of here!" They run out and go to another bar and order drinks and when the bartender asks for money, the first man unzips his fly, and the second man drops to his knees. The bartender throws them out. After the sixth bar the second man complains, "Man this isn't working out so well, My knees are killing me!" "You think you've had it bad..", the first man exclaims. "I lost the hotdog 4 bars ago!" A stranger walks into a bar and the locals ask him if he wants to play a game of bar football. He says "sure! What do I hav'ta do?" The locals said "Drink Beer, Piss, then Fart". So the stranger picks up the mug and downs the beer, then takes a piss, and lets out a whopper fart. Then the locals said "If you can do it again, you get an extra point." So the stranger pick up the mug again and downs his beer, drops h is pants to take a piss, but before he can fart, a local shoves his large dick up the strangers ass. The stranger asked "What the Hell are you doing?" "Blocking the extra point." the local replied. A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a shot of forty-year-old Scotch. Not wanting to go down to the basement and deplete his supply of the rare and expensive liquour, the bartender pours a shot of ten-year-old Scotch and figures that his customer won't be able to tell the difference. The man downs the Scotch and says "My good man, that Scotch is only ten-years-old. I specifically asked for forty-year-old Scotch." Amazed, the bartender reaches into a locked cabinet underneath the bar and pulls out a bottle of twenty-year-old Scotch and pours the man a shot. The customer drinks it down and says, "That was twenty-year-old Scotch. I asked for forty-year-old Scotch." So the bartender goes into the back room and brings out a bottle of thirty-year-old Scotch and pours the customer a drink. By now a small crowd has gathered around the man and is watching anxiously as he downs the latest drink. Once again the man states the true age of the scotch and repeats his original request. The bartender can hold off no longer and disappears into the cellar to get a bottle of prime forty-year-old Scotch. As the bartender returns with the drink, and old drunk who had been watching the proceedings with interest, leaves the bar and returns with a full shot glass of his own. The customer downs the Scotch and says, "Now this is forty-year-old Scotch!" The crowd applaudes his discriminating palate. "I bet you think you're real smart," slurs the drink. "Here take a swig of this." Rising to the challenge, the man takes the glass and downs the drink in one swallow. Immediately, he chokes and spits out the liquid on the barroom floor. "My God!" he exclaims. "That's piss!" "Great guess," says the drunk. "Now tell me how old I am." A guy walks into a high rise bar late one evening, orders a beer, and then walks over to admire some really strange paintings on the wall. As he is looking at the paintings another gentleman walks over and comments on the art. "These paintings are really something, aren't they?" "Why yes, they are quite remarkable. I have never seen anything like them before." "You know there are other remarkable things about this bar also. You see that window over there? The way the wind currents work, if you jump out of the window, it will blow you right back into the bar. Why don't you give it a try?" "That's impossible and crazy!" "Look I'll show you." The guy jumps out of the window and falls 10 ft 20 ft 30 ft 40 ft 50 ft And then whooop! He stops in mid air and gets blown right back up into the window. Now the other gentleman if dumbfounded. "That's amazing!! How did you do that?" "I told you, it is the wind currents. Look I will show you again." The guy jumps out of the window and falls 10 ft 20 ft 30 ft 40 ft 50 ft And then whooop! He stops in mid air and gets blown right back up into the window. This time the guy is even more impressed. He cannot believe his own eyes, but he saw it! So the guy decides to give it a try. He jumps out the window and falls 10 ft 20 ft 30 ft 40 ft 50 ft 60 ft 70 ft 80 ft 90 ft <SPLAT!> The other gentleman walks back to the bar, and the bartender says, "Geez Superman, you can be a real asshole when you r drunk!" Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time. --Catherine Zandonella Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure. --Ambrose Bierce Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast. A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her. What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch? --W.C. Fields Beauty lies in the hands of the beerholder. Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink. --Lady Astor to Winston Churchill Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it. --His reply If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomaches. --David Daye Work is the curse of the drinking classes. --Oscar Wilde When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. --Henny Youngman Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life. I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy. --Tom Waits 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? Beer is good food. you don't like jail? naw, they got the wrong kind of bars in there. --Charles Bukowski If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose. --Deep Thought, Jack Handy It's better to have beer in hand than gas in tank. Life is too short to drink cheap beer. Beer - it's not just for breakfast anymore Beer: Nature's laxative. Beer. If you can't taste it, why bother! One more drink and I'd be under the host. --Dorothy Parker All other nations are drinking Ray Charles beer and we are drinking Barry Manilow. --Dave Barry When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a year. I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire winter with slightly over half that quantity of beer. --Postpetroleum Guzzler, Dave Barry Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. --Dave Barry's Bad Habits, Dave Barry Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer. --Dave Barry My problem with most athletic challenges is training. I'm lazy and find that workouts cut into my drinking time. --A Wolverine is Eating My Leg The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind. --Humphrey Bogart Friends don't let friends drink Light Beer. If nothing beats a Bud, given the choice, I'd take the nothing... Draft beer, not people! Adhere to Schweinheitsgebot. Don't put anything in your beer that a pig wouldn't eat. --David Geary Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine. --David Moulton A drink a day keeps the shrink away. --Edward Abbey People who drink light "beer" don't like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot. --Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI Put it back in the horse! --H. Allen Smith, an American humorist in the '30s-'50s, after he drank his first American beer at a bar. There's a big conference of beer producers in the most beautiful town in the world: Amsterdam, the Netherlands... At the end of the day, all of the presidents of all beer companies decide to have a drink in a bar. The president of 'Budweiser' orders a Bud, the president of 'Carlsberg' orders a Carlsberg, and the list goes on... Then the waitress asks Freddie Heineken what he wants to drink, and much to everybody's amazement , Mr. Heineken orders a Coke! "Why don't you order a Heineken?" his colleagues ask... "Naah. If you guys won't drink beer, then neither will I." Ole and Swen went fishing one day and snagged a Genie’s bottle. The Genie said he would grant one wish. Ole said, “I wish all this water around the boat was beer.’ The wish was granted and the whole lake turned into beer. Then Sven said, “Now you did it Ole, now we gotta piss in the boat. One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each proceeded to buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, a fly landed in each of their pints and became stuck in the thick head. The Englishman pushed his beer from him in disgust. The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened. The Irishman picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and yelled "SPIT IT OUT!! SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!!" An old Irishman moved from his village to another closer to the hospital as he was beginning to age a bit. He went into the local pub and ordered 3 pints of Guinness Stout. When he drank, he drank one sip from the first, the second, and then the third. After awhile of doing this he finally finished all 3 glasses. He took them up to the bartender for a refill. The bartender said, "Ya know me friend, if ya were to drink this beer one glass at a time it would be a might fresher and bit more enjoyable." The man replied, "Ay, a reckon so, but me two brothers and I agreed to drink our beer this way ever since they immigrated to the United States. our way of remembrin' one another." The bartender replied, "Aw now that makes sense." The man became a regular and one day came in and ordered only two beers. He drank those in his normal fashion, sipping from each glass one at a time. The other locals and the bartender were quiet and hushed. When the man came up for a refill the bartender said, "Me friend I am sorry about ya los'n ya brother." The man replied, "Aw naw, it's noth'n like that, it's just that I stopped drink'n." After the couple's beers were served, the man took his back to the counter. After telling the female bartender why he wasn't happy with his beer, she slapped his face. When his wife asked why she slapped him, he replied "I only asked her for some head." There were a Texan, a Californian and an Oregonian camping in the woods. By the campfire after dark the Texan opened up a bottle of 'Jack Danniels', took a swig, threw the bottle in the air, pulled out a double barrel shotgun, and blew the nearly full bottle to pieces. The others both looked at him and asked, "why didn't you finish it?" The Texan replied, "It's okay, we've got plenty more where I come from." The Californian then pulled out a bottle of 'Cabernet', took a sip, then threw the rest in the air, pulled out a .38 special, and shot the bottle. He looked around and said, "We got plenty more where I come from." The Oregonian, not to be out done, then pulled out a bottle of 'Micro-brew', slowly drank the entire bottle, tossed the empty bottle into the air, pulled out a pistol, shot the Californian and cought the bottle before it hit the ground. He looked over at the Texan and said "It's okay, we got plenty more Californians where I come from, but I still have to recycle the bottle."