Desert Jokes These two guys were making their way across the desert when their camel ran out of water. Without the camel they knew they would never make it out of the desert alive. They looked around and discovered that they were only a few hundred yards from an oasis but also discovered that they had nothing to carry water in. So they decided to drag the camel to the water. By the time they got him there, the camel was much too weak to drink. The only solution they could come up with was one would have to hold the camels head in the water and the other would have to suck on it's ass. Neither wanted the job of ass-sucking so they flipped a coin to see who would suck on the camels ass to fill him with water. After the toss the winner positioned the camels head and the other took his position at the rear. After a few minutes the one at the rear raises his head up, spits and said, Hey, you've got his head in to deep, all I'm getting is mud! Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in. "I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me.You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession." The sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living. "I'm a cop", says the first man. "Then we will shoot your penis off!", said the sheik. He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living. "I'm a firemen", said the second man. "Then we will burn your penis off!", said the sheik. Finally, he asked the last man, "And you, what do you do for a living?" And the third man answered, with a sly grin, "I'm a lollipop salesman!" A guy, a pig, and a dog are the survivors of a terrible shipwreck, and they find themselves stranded on a desert island. After being there awhile, they get into a ritual of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down. One particular evening the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance! Well, that pig started looking better and better and pretty soon the guy rolled toward thepig and put his arm around it. The dog was not very happy with this and growled fiercely at the guy, until he removed his arm from the pig. They continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but no more cuddling. A few weeks passed by, and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her and they slowly nursed her back to good health. When she was well enough they introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening, red sky, cirrus clouds, warm gentle breeze, perfect for romance, the four of them lying there. The guy started getting 'those' ideas again, so he leaned over toward the girl and said, "Um...would you mind taking the dog for a walk?" A nun and a priest were traveling across the desert and realized halfway across that the camel they were using for transportation was about to die. They set up a make-shift camp, hoping someone would come to their rescue, but to no avail. Soon the camel died. After several days of not being rescued, they agreed that they were not going to be rescued. They prayed a lot (of course), and they discussed their predicament in great depth. Finally the priest said to the nun, "You know, Sister, I am about to die, and there's always been one thing I've wanted here on earth -- to see a woman naked. Would you mind taking off your clothes so I can look at you?" The nun thought about his request for several seconds and then agreed to take off her clothes. As she was doing so, she remarked, "Well, Father, now that I think about it, I've never seen a man naked, either. Would you mind taking off your clothes, too?" With little hesitation, the priest also stripped. Suddenly the nun exclaimed, "Father! What is that little thing hanging between your legs?" The priest patiently answered, "That, my child, is a gift from God. If I put it in you, it creates a new life." "Well," responded the nun, "forget about me. Stick it in the camel!" A film crew was on location deep in the desert. One day an old Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow rain." The next day it rained. A week later, the Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow storm." The next day there was a hailstorm. "This Indian is incredible," said the director. He told his secretary to hire the Indian to predict the weather. However, after several successful predictions, the old Indian didn't show up for two weeks. Finally the director sent for him. "I have to shoot a big scene tomorrow," said the director, "and I'm depending on you. What will the weather be like?" The Indian shrugged his shoulders. "Don't know," he said. "Radio is broken." There was a man, walking in the desert with his camel. He walked for many, many days, and one day, he badly wanted sex. But since there were no women around, just him and his camel, he decided the only way to get what he wants is to do it with his camel. Of course, the camel wouldn't let him, so he struggled to push it down and make it stay. After a few hours of trying, he gave up in vain, but still couldn't get over the desire. Then all of a sudden, he saw a beautiful woman, not far away. Excited, he jumped to his feet and ran towards her direction. When he got there, he saw that she had been kidnapped and was crying out for help. Eager to get what he wanted, the man stabbed her kidnappers with a knife, killed them and saved the beautiful woman. "Oh, you save my life! How can I ever thank you? I'll do whatever you wish!" the woman said happily. The man, very excited by now said, "Really? You would do anything?" "Yes," she replied. "Anything." "Alright! Then help me hold down the camel!!" A young man joins the foreign legion, and is posted deep in the heart of Africa, surrounded by desert. After a few months with no female contact, he visits his commander to explain: "I haven't had sex for ages - can you help me?" "Well," says the commander, "You can borrow my camel any time you like." The man declined, not wishing to seem that desperate. Six months past, and the man became incresingly frustrated. He went to the commander as before, but got the same reply: "The offer of my camel is still there." A year went by, and the poor man could stand it no longer. He went to the commander for one more time, his hands shaking; "It's no use - I haven't had sex for a year. I must use your camel." The commander agrees, and the man takes the animal around the back of the compound and relieves his frustrations. On returning, the man thanks the commander who says - "Anytime young man; It's much quicker to the local brothel by camel, isn't it?!" An Englishman, a Texan and a Russian are lost in the Nevada desert. After days without water or food they come upon a lamp half buried in the sand. They rub the lamp and out comes a genie. Since they all rubbed the lamp the genie grants each one a single wish. The Texan goes first and wishes to be transported back to his house where his pool was filled with beautiful women. The claps his hands and the Texan vanishes in a flash of light. The Englisman wishes to be transported back to his house where he knows his wife will be eagerly awaiting him. Once again the Genie claps his hands and the Englishman vanishes. The Russian sits down and thinks about what he should wish for. Suddenly realizing he is all alone in the desert, he promptly wishes that the Texan and the Englishman were back. A ship wreck leaves three men and one woman on a deserted island. They wanted to be fair, and since none of them were promisucious, they decided to each marry the woman for a week and then divorce her, and the next man one marry her. The one-week marriage arrangement went on for about nine weeks and everybody was happy... until one day the woman caught a strange disease and died. The first week, was bad; the second week was worst and the third week was terrible. Then, on the fourth week they buried her! A guy is shipwrecked on a celebrity cruise and he wakes up stranded on a desert island with Nicole Kidman. Anyway, after a few weeks they are having passionate sex. This is all fine and dandy for a bit, but the guy starts getting a bit depressed. Nicole comes up to him on the beach one day and says, "What's the matter?" He says "Well, it's wonderful, I'm on a tropical island with a beautiful woman who I love, but...but... I miss my mates. I miss going down the pub with them." She says, "Well, I'm an actress. Maybe if I get dressed in some of those male clothes which were left behind in the trunks, I can pretend to be one of your friends, and you can talk to me as if you were down the pub." It sounded a bit weird but he thought he would give it a try. So she gets into the mens' clothing and they sit down next to each other, And the guy goes "Hey Joe, You'll never guess who I've been fucking..." A hurricane came unexpectedly. The ship went down and was lost. The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts. Used to 5-star hotels, this guy had no idea what to do, so for the next four months he ate bananas,drank coconut juice and longed for his old life and fixed his gaze on the sea, hoping to spot a rescue ship. One day, as he was lying on the beach, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. It was a rowboat, and in it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen. She rowed up to him. In disbelief, he asked her: "Where did you come from? How did you get here?" "I rowed from the other side of the island," she said. "I landed here when my cruise ship sank." "Amazing," he said. "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many are there? You were lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you." "It's only me," she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up; nothing did." He was confused. "Then how did you get the rowboat?" "Oh, simple," replied the woman. "I made the rowboat out of materials that I found on the island. The oars were whittled from Gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree." "B-B-But that's impossible," stuttered the man. "You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?" "Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the other side of the island there is a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware. But enough of that," she said. "Where do you live?" Sheepishly, he confessed that he had been sleeping on the beach the whole time. "Well, let's row over to my place, then," she said. After a few minutes of rowing she docked the boat at a small wharf. As the man looked to the shore he nearly fell out of the boat. Before him was a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman tied up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man could only stare ahead, dumbstruck. As they walked into the house, she said casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please; would you like a drink?" "No, no thank you," he said, still dazed. "I can't take any more coconut juice." "It's not coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?" Trying to hide his amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged their stories, the woman announced, "I'm going to slip into something comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom." No longer questioning anything, the man went into the bathroom. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened onto it's end inside a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he mused. "What next?" When he returned, she greeted him wearing nothing but vines - strategically positioned - and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckoned for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she began, suggestively, slithering closer to him, "we've been out here for a very long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months. You know..." She stared into his eyes. He couldn't believe what he was hearing. "You mean--?" he replied, "I can check my e-mail from here?"